I don’t even know what I want to say. Don’t know if there are any words to describe what I think and how I feel. Its as if I am crying tears of flame. As if my insides are smoldering and sparking; perhaps comparable to a volcano. Or to hell.

I know I said last night that I was done thinking for awhile. I don’t know what it says about me to know that I cannot, or that God will not let me. The tear in my heart that I have been valiantly attempting to heal tore wide open today, and has left me gasping for air. So I obeyed what I felt compelled to do, and went to see 300 again.

The second time around was no less powerful than the first, perhaps more so. I sincerely wish I could articulate what it speaks to my soul. The desires it pumps into me, and leaves me wanting for so much more. The restlessness it prompts in me to fight and to win. The beauty that tears at my heart and bleeds for a story long over, and for my story that has yet to truly begin. It is vicious, the need and the passion that swamp me at every turn of the story. And it is striking, to walk away and plead with God Almighty that I to, may be given the chance to serve with such honor.

How I so desperately wish that I did not have the heart I possess! From the depths of who I am, I know not how to live this way! To be burning up from the inside out! To build walls of necessity around myself, and to be asked to sit and wait. I feel faint at the war within me.

Oh God, stay close and hold tight.