yep

Yep, yep, yep. Things are a little nuts right now. A little out of control for my liking. Maybe a lot out of control, I can't tell. All I DO know is that in doing my best not to control everything, I'm eating too much again. I'm finding comfort there instead of my relationships. I think it's because I don't understand those either, so in turn I eat some more. Food can be as bad and destructive a habit as alcohol. It is my drug of choice. It's a pattern that pollutes, disgusts and devastates me, yet I find no encouragement. Mostly just painful comments said in jest. Pass the chocolate please.

So, we almost got an office today. I say almost because we mostly agreed to a lease, then after we left the boys wanted more time to contemplate. And they make fun of MY blonde tendencies.

I'm so tired I'm actually sitting here wtih my eyes closed slowly falling asleep at my computer. How horribly pathetic is that? I think that means I must choose my bed over writing to you, my lovely, good people. Parting is such sweet sorrow...

Okay. I'm out. If I can make it to my bed, that is. Be kind, be a friend, and don't let the man get you down.

XOXOXO

K<><

As always...

It's weird, for the last too many summers to remember, I have not been able to see my life past August. It's becoming clear that this summer will be no exception. I will be moving, our business will be taking an interesting turn, and there is lots of travel involved. 90% of me is crazy excited to see what is going to happen, to be challenged by all God is doing, and to move towards a dream I don't even know about. However, the other 10% is completely paralyzed by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of winter season. Fear that it will end up the same as every other time. Fear of continuous rejection. Fear of God not revealing his plan. It's strange how you can be almost full to brimming with the joy of God, yet there a few drops that can change the color of it all. Oh how I pray for a different ending this time. And for a love that will drive out this crippling fear.

Another change that is going on is my strength, and lack thereof. I speak of internal strength (obviously, if you know me at all), but I feel like I keep losing it. Daily. I find myself putting my trust in the people around me, and I don't think I like it at all. I don't think it's as much of a control thing anymore, as it is a vulnerable, giving certain people too much power to hurt me thing. It is uncomfortable. I'm afraid some changes must be made. Oh how I detest changes that bruise and tear at my heart.

On a lighter note...check out Joshua Radin. His lyrics and voice rock me to sleep.

I miss going home.

Okay, my melencholy is getting even to me tonight, which means it must be time for bed. I stayed on the phone too long, and it has turned my world to gray. Enjoy tomorrow my friends, and may the peace of God be with you always.

All my love.

K<><