Interesting

I sure am blogging a lot lately. I think it's because I'm actually talking a lot less. :) If anyone can actually believe that is true, because strangely enough it is.

I find it interesting how lucky I am to have been able to drift into growing up. I've never been forced by circumstances beyond my control, by abuse, or death or neglect. I've definately had my heart broken, by situations both chosen and and circumstancial. I say all of this because I find myself over the last several weeks really feeling my age. Really find myself looking in the mirror and realistically discovering who is there. My focus for so long has always been on the future: when and who I'm going to marry, when I'm going to have children, a career I actually love, when I'm going to finally get to Europe to do community, or when my friends will quit scattering across the damn country. Tonight I finally stopped looking ahead, and just looked in the mirror. I saw me. Who I am RIGHT NOW, opposed to "someday". I looked closely at my goals, my relationships, my life. I opened my eyes, and you know what? Everything is okay.

God is my greatest comfort. My greatest ally. My greatest dreamer. Ironically enough I recalled a scripture I had memorized eons ago..."there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear". It is simply amazing to me how when you really embrace scripture, things change. How lame am I to make it complicated. It was just that clear all along.

As always, everything is changing again. But oh how glorious the change. Oh how stunning the clarity of the love of Christ. Oh how brilliant and startling are the colors in which he paints our world, in which he paints our dreams.

This is my first breath without fear.

k<><

It is so interesting how things can just turn on a dime. How fast Satan can destroy things. And finally, it's amazing how jealousy can ruin a friendship. The green-eyed monster bit me in the ass tonight, and boy does it hurt.

My Anthem...

Voice Of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'girl, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "girl, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Conversations and Dreams

I wanted to start this entry with a picture of my Eve. The way she looks in this picture, is exactly the way I feel about my dreams. The parallel is uncanny. I have come to realize that after spending time talking with two of my dream pals, that I hold onto my dreams the way Eve is holding onto this doll. Why is it that I am so defensive/afraid/unwilling to let go of what I think I want? I so desperately want to hold on to what I want, that I’m forgetting that I need to wipe the slate clean and just believe.

I’ve been having some pretty crazy conversations lately. Especially considering who they’re with and where we all our (timeline wise) in our lives. Yet, it is through these conversations of church/worship/community/serving/future that compels me to spend tremendous amounts of time with God seeking His direction. It is through these conversations that I am encouraged enough to pursue the depression that is currently my church. It is through these conversations that I know I am called to let go of my “doll” and do what God needs me to do now, so that I can truly do what he needs me to do later.

It is crazy how much fear paralyzes me from true movement. However, my friend Silas put that in perspective for me today better than anyone possibly could have. I would share his insight, but it would truly be longer than I have time for. Just know that it is time for me to move. It is time for sacrificial amounts of prayer, fasting and believing. It is time to live now.

I have so much more I want to say, but I have multitudes of children who need both my attention and my time. And because they matter, I will give them both. Oh how I hate patience though! I want to talk and dream and go now!!! Even in the midst of my children. But once again, perhaps this is just another lesson I need to learn. How to balance it all. (Not being prophetic here, just gut instinct), but I think my time of family is coming sooner than even I realize. However, it will call me to a life of everything I just mentioned, that will be full and dangerous. And hard. So let it begin!

Not so Much

So, tonight was fun. Got to hang with mi hermano, Brad - and his crew from TN. When we were out, I also got two Killians pint glasses. What am I going to do with them? That's such a guy thing to own, but so be it I suppose. If I build it, he will come?

I had a pretty significant conversation last night. One of exploration, truth, and acknowledgement. And although BG said his piece (that of course, once again was life changing for me), we lightly touched on a subject that I want to explore a bit. Basically high expectations I put on my male counterparts, and consequently, potentially unrealistic expectations I may have for a future compadre. I don't THINK it will really be a problem, but then again, I wasn't even aware I did it in the first place, so there you have it.
I think I for sure have a pretty tall order for those men that are close to me. I have definate expectations of loyalty, protection, honesty and love. (I gave up on chivalry long ago :). For those men who are VERY closest to me - I expect all of the above, plus an authentic relationship with God, leadership, guidance, protection of the heart variety, and commitment. I suppose that's no easy order to fill. But you have to keep in mind, these are the people who are the closest to me, the ones who have the utmost power to devastate, the ones who have pieces of me. They are few granted, but it does leave the question - if this is what I expect from my best friends, then what's the deal with relationships? Do I leave enough room to fall? To make mistakes? To wound? To become who they were meant without any control from me? Are my standards too great to be liveable?
See, I really don't think so. :) Now that I'm truly learning about grace, I feel those things are possible w/out giving up the characteristics of a Godly man. I think it's very simple. I just want to love, be loved and serve together. Expectations are just a part of the game.

I'm supposed to go back out tonight, but I am SOOOO tired. Up too late last night. Time zones SUCK!

Bought the new Chris Doughtry album today. "Home" is my new favorite song. Yes, I know he was an AI guy, but the dude is straight talented - and the lyrics from Home make me sigh. Oh, if only everything was as easy as a song.

Alright, well I gotta go. It's raining to beat the band, but frienship is important - so I'm off and running.

Take care and sleep well.

oxoxxxo
k

Back and Seemingly Ready to Go

So, a friend of mine just started blogging again, and it inspired me to continue in kind. However, I will not be posting his link because it makes mine look like kindergarten coloring in comparison. So be it.

Okay, just got back from a brief, yet important excursion to Ireland. Stunning. Unromantic. Steeped with God. Just what I needed, and at the perfect time. A friend told me I was being a chicken...nope, just smart. As you can see, I also got my nose pierced...the best Valentine's yet. I'll let my pal Chris sum it up a bit...

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you loose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

I will post more later on just Ireland when I feel the urge.

Been studying portions of Isaiah lately. Hurts just to read it. I am very encouraged by my life right now - I am in a really good place. But growing takes something out of ya, you know? I fear my heart is weakening. Dying to self over and over again eventually takes a toll. But you know what? In the end, all that really matters is me and God, and all that results from that union. If my heart stops beating, then his will begin. Yes please.

Okay, enough philosophical bullshit for tonight. I am tired. Resting is where I belong...in every sense of the word.

Peace and love.

k