It's Time....

Morning.

This weekend is the beginning of a new journey. A potentially new destination. Potentially some new folks to travel with. All of these life changes leave me with a zillion butterflies in my stomach, a mild hesitancy to jump off this newer (much bigger cliff), and with a thrill that a new adventure brings. I am fully aware that I am not the one graduating this weekend, but it is through others endings, that I am finding my new beginning. I believe it is coming. For once, my HS gut is telling me that moving forward is going to bring me closer to my dreams...bringing me closer to 'someday'. Let it be done, let it be written. It's time...

CONGRATULATIONS TO MIKEY AND MITCHEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so tremendously proud and excited for you both. I love you!!!!

Alright, I need to begin. In the immortal words of the Doors, "the time to hesitate is through".

Peace, love and most of my heart.

Daydreaming...

It is just never going to happen. Never surprised by that phrase, just (as always) disappointed. It is just SO never going to happen. So I'll just lay here and daydream about what I wish for, instead of actually living it. Yeah, never going to happen.

are times changing, or is it just me?

Tell me who this reminds you of...

• wants to live where it is QUIET...in the country or by the beach would be lovely
• wants to rescue a dog from the pound (especially the one from Extreme Home Makeover!)
• wants to paint as often as possible...even wants a studio to create in
• wants to go camping (minus the outside bathroom deal), and hiking
• enjoys quiet more than chaos
• wants to slow down instead of speed up

...yeah, I don't know who this is either. But I think I'm starting to find out.

loving it, hating it

Life is just one giant dichotomy. For every one step forward, there are three steps back. For every five words I utter out of my mouth that are worth listening to, there are five hundred that aren't. Another lame example for you, I went dancing tonight. Way fun company, plus I love to dance - you'd that that would make for a very entertaining evening. All it did is remind me why I don't like western culture dating rituals. Don't misunderstand, Em and I had a lot of fun (we always do), but it seemed to be at the loss of a bit of our dignity. Perhaps who I think I want to be, and who I actually am (or even becoming) are not the same. Perhaps, once again, I've got it all wrong.

I truly wish I could spew out everything that is in my heart and mind right now, but alas, that is not to be. *sigh* How I miss rambling about things no one ever read. Oh how I wish I could have full emotional disclosure with my friends, but alas again, no one would really understand. Sometimes that's all that you really need.

Shout out to my hermano...astounding conversation, great flicks (and even greater sound tracks ;), lots of work, and ridiculously long hours.....yes, these are the days of our lives.

Alright, well it's almost 2:30am, and I am so stinkin tired. Two nights in a row that I've been up way past my beauty sleep bed time. So with that, I say adieu.

All my love to the one who holds my heart. You're so beautiful.

Night, night.

Color

I am learning that life is color coded. Every mood, every emotion, every dissapointment, every triumph, every moment is flooded with colors. I have taken up a new hobby that has shown me this. I feel like I've been half-asleep lately, like I've been trying to live under water. The colors in my life have become drab and all blending together to really create no color at all. With God being the author of color, the ultimate artist - I am praying for glimpses of the vivid life he has waiting for me. I suppose it is up to me to pick up the brush and start painting. To surrender my pathetic attempts, and create what he has called me to. Just because I do not understand does not mean I will not believe. I love him that much.

I was recently told by my dream-interpreter that the fears in my life are causing me to hold on, or potentially hold back. I'm not going to lie, holding on has an appeal all it's own - but perhaps the surrender of these fears would allow me to paint more freely, perhaps it would make me vulnerable, scandalous, and beautiful to God. Perhaps, just perhaps it will take me where I need to go.

Well, young sailors...paint your rainbows and bring it back to the one thing that matters...yeah, we all know what that is - or more importantly Who that is. My love goes with you, and my prayers have never stopped.

What in the World?

Why is no one ever my type? Or rarely. SO rarely. Is a tough, non-pansy guy too much to ask for? *sigh* Apparently.

Thick as Syrup

I should be growing accustomed to certain emotions. Disappointment taking the lead, with frustration, discouragement and resentment following closely behind. But I'm always surprised somehow. It's akin to a bad curve ball, or a sucker punch that wasn't really pulled. Clearly God has called me here for a purpose...I think perhaps I am in need of a reminder. Sparks fly...

Move On...

You know, being a girl is something that I've always enjoyed. I love perfume and make up, dangly earrings, and fun shoes. I love pretty underwear, pink sparkly anything, and flowers. I love surprises, holidays, rainbows and thunderstorms. I'm both very predictable, and then not at all. However, at this point in time - I'm not digging it. Being a girl hurts. And all the kings horses, and all the kings men couldn't put her heart back together again.

I'm afraid it is time to move on.

When did things start becoming so hard? When did rainbows stop becoming a dream, and become simply an illusion? When did it stop just being running through the sprinkler on a summer day and buying a bomb pop from the ice cream man? When did it start hurting so much? Wow. I pray for surrender, for the ability to truly let go, and for God to guard my heart. Please.

snap shots of
life
of love
of friendship.
rainbows
and storms
fall with equal
intensity.
I wonder
what will become
of it all?
When will I
see
it all through the
eyes
of yesterday?
I want
real.
I want
to
breathe...
and not suffocate
on
lessons learned.
Discover.
Explode.
Exhale.
Die.
.....as always.....
someday.