A Sword and a Shopping Cart

So, my friend Eve was playing. She was pushing her little shopping cart, w/ a baby in the front seat thingy, and she was brandishing her sword like a pillaging viking. Not only was she cute as a damn button, but it made me think. Isn't that just like every day? Take care of our day-to-day business, while taking a sword to all that is ungodly? Isn't it just like a child to show us the way.

I was catching up on my favorite show tonight, just relaxing and enjoying the evening. Until this one part of the dialogue hit me like a ton of bricks. I hit rewind and pause a lot to get you this.

“She told you about Rose?”

“Yeah, I know it’s hard, and I’m so sorry for you loss, but you should go home. I’m sure there is someone who can pick you up.”

“I thought I would be with her forever. Everything we did, we did together. We arrived at this hospital together. If I passed through those doors over there, it would be the first time I would see the world without Rose at my side. That isn’t a world I want to be a part of. A world where it’s me, w/out Rose."

Do you have any idea what this said to me? How this (fictitious though he may be) man was married for 56 years, and then had to face the world alone again. I have a hard time having done it for almost 3 months. I am continually told to move on, to go forward, to pray and wait it out. I am told time and time again, he's just not that into you. Oh the things we know that so violently contradict with the way we feel. We are truly never as strong as we think we are.

I should end this blog. It was one week ago today that the Westfield Police and I became best friends. Almost to the minute. I should end this blog. I should end it before my heart becomes anymore permanently attached to my sleeve. I should end a lot of things.

Just Funny

So this last week has definitely been a week that has lent itself to growth. Growing is usually ridiculously painful, but with the friends I have - however awful this last week has been, I made it through because of them. I pray I am given the opportunity to give back over my lifetime even a fraction of the joy they have given to me. Love you guys!!!

I had a lot of fun last night. Had some good food with some good friends with some interesting conversation. I do love me some sushi!

"you're cybershouting at me with your exclamation points" - Mitch

I actually think, on a completely irrelavent note, that my hair color MIGHT actually be my natural color. I haven't messed with it in ages, and surprisingly enough, I don't hate it. Maybe my nose ring has distracted me enough to not need to dye my hair. Who knows.

Alright, well enough senseless ramblings. Later mi amigos!

From the deep...

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

I'm not sure where I stand today. I'm not entirely sure that I'm standing at all.

This weekend I really discovered who my true friends are. I know who I would call if there was an emergency, and who I would want by my side if tragedy occurred. It makes me viciously crave community. It is an ache deep in my soul, a tear, a wellspring of need.

I have also realized what I will and will not accept in my life. Relationships, friendships, and the fierce stomping on my heart. I was severely wounded and damaged this last weekend, and I'm not even left with questions anymore. I detest being scared. I am having to lean so heavily on my friends, that I am no longer certain I can walk on my own. Perhaps I wasn't meant to.

Stay

New song that seems to be written just for me. (minus the cheating innuendos). Why do I live my life over and over again...hard lessons. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight. Here I come. :) Yep, here I come.

"Stay" by Sugarland - listen and think. hard.

Vomit

Emotions make me want to throw up. I can either embrace them or build some mighty big walls. Conundrum. I sincerely and completely wish I could be a man and just shut them down. Yeah, I'd shut them the hell down.

What if, you know?

Once again, I just can't finish this out. I can't open that pandora's box. I won't.

night

Red Lipstick and Matching Heels

First and foremost, my beautiful friend Ann welcomed our newest little friend Kate into the world today. 8lbs 10 oz. 21 inches long. Cute as a damn button. I will get to meet her tomorrow! Enjoy the pictures from her proud papa. :)

On a much different note, what's a girl to do when everything she believes in, or even more accurately, everything she dreams of is right on the edge of coming true? The key word there is the "edge". I have no idea which way these pieces will fall - and when it all comes down to it, who and where I will be. I guess I'll just paint my lips red w/ my hot new lipstick, put on my cute red heels and let the cards fall where they will. All I've got to give is me.

I wonder often what would happen if I really lived the way I dream in my head? Would I really go all of those places, and save all of those people, and allow my life to be transformed into something truly radical for God? Would I actually go to Darfur, the Sudan, Romania, India, to be the eyes and ears of the tragedies there, and a dozen other places around the world. Would I literally have all of my possessions in a back pack and live the way the disciples did? Or hell, the way Jesus did?! Would I look different? Would there be something about me that mattered? What if I REALLY lived a life that God transformed? What if I gave up what I want, to be what he needs?

With those two thoughts at war inside my head, I am going to sign off. Not going to analyze, not going to cry. Just going to be quiet.

Goodnight.

Just riding on through

So many new emotions. It's like an IV in my veins. They're so tangled up inside of me that I can't discern one from the other. It's both a mess and a miracle.

Had a really good doctors appointment today. Got a great review on my health efforts and some great new tips on what to do next. I'm very motivated. I'm very excited. I know this is the beginning of a whole new life.

Okay shout out moment. If you haven't checked out 'The Red Light Exchange" new song - you have to! It is truly amazing. www.myspace.com/theredlightexchange

Guess what? I have truly (or at least I think truly) have stopped really wondering what is coming next. I think it is so imminently upon me, that the anticpation of what is next has already moved on into the embracing of what is actually here. I know that sounds a bit cryptic, but that's ok, it's my thoughts after all. It's weird, I actually feel different. It's like this crazy rain that has briefly washed away our amazing weather - it's bringing new life, and mine right along with it. May I drown in the fullness of it all.

k

Baffled

Something happened this morning that I don't really want to unpack, talk about, specualte upon or discuss. Just know that I am baffled by God sometimes. I do not understand how one person's words can come from another person's heart? I'm not sure I want to know.

All I got for today. The rest needs to stay capped off.

Peace, and know my love is with you.

k

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!

Dating sucks ass. But on the flip side, it's fun now too. Not going to think about it too much, just roll on through.

So, I went to church last night, and was bored out of my gourd. So tired of going to church and hating it. Had some good conversations lately though, and I'm feeling pretty positive about the direction things are going. At least my attitude is going somewhere finally.

I had my first real fight with my future sister-in-law today. And as an after thought, my mother as well. It's just the way I am, but I absolutely despise it when people get in my business when I did not invite them. I don't want ANYONE knowing about my relationships, my health, my ANYTHING unless I tell them. Bottomline, the people who know me, are the people I choose. So back off bitches!

I had a really fantastic time on Friday night. Went to Fox & Hound w/ some girls, then went dancing at Lulu's. I have mixed feelings about the whole dancing thing, which I've already processed through w/ mi amigo (BG), but it was still fun nonetheless. I would definately go back, but I'm trying to figure out what that needs to look like. Integrity and class are important to me. I know I'm a freak, but very few people know the accuracy of who I am. I plan on keeping it that way.

DOWN W/ MYSPACE!!!!! ;)

I had some other things to put out there, but I'm distracted at the moment. I'll unpack it later.

Peace.

<><