Gotta wonder

You have to figure, that as seasons change, so do our needs. Funny how that happens.

Chris Sligh left tonight. Not really all that sad - he wasn't going to win anyway. Long live Blake!

I was going to say more, but I'm just not feeling it. Perhaps tomorrow. Peace.

First of all, everyone who is married tonight reading this can kiss my ass. :) But I am way in the mood to get a little buzzy off Corona's and get some serious action. It's hot, less clothing, some good eye candy on tv, and me hanging out wishing I had a kissing buddy. I actually took these urges seriously in college, and I've never really considered it since. Looks like I'm digressing. That really makes me laugh.

Soooooo, today sucked. Not really a good reason, just lots of little ones. I wish I was swimming. I wish I was skinny dipping. Now I'm not going there - I would like to be there alone. Well, mostly alone. :)

Okay, this is obviously going nowhere. Plus, most of you don't know how completely inappropriate I really am, and really can be. So I better go before ya'll know me too well. ;)

Ciao friends - and let the good weather (and all it brings with it) begin!!!

I can't breathe.

Panty Party

I was watching a show today that I NEVER watch (pinky swear), and they were having a panty party! Besides being a truly great idea (everyone in the audience was in their undies), they had some really great information from a OBGYN that I wanted to pass along to all the ladies. If you're a guy, feel free to store some info away, or skip on to the next part.

• Don't wear panties to bed. 24 hours of no breathing down there is not good for a variety of reasons. If you want to know details - comment me. The doc said if you needed to wear something, then wear boxers or jammies.
  
• Don't wear a thong unless you are planning to make love fairly quickly. Use your imagination as to all the various kinds of bacteria that can infiltrate. Sexy yes, practical...not so much.
• This may seem obvious, but make sure your panties have a cotton crotch. Silk, satin, etc, does not absorb. It's imperitive. Cotton is your friend.
• If you want to defy the laws of gravity on your twin towers, then wearing a bra (even to bed!) can help your sisters to not sag. I wish I had known this 10 years ago! Sounds a bit uncomfortable, but I'd rather have non-saggy boobs and get used to wearing a bra 24/7 than have my breasteses be around my waist in 20 years.
  

I hope that helps girls! I found it to be rather enlightening, and quite useful information. Good luck with the whole underwear thing, and hell, throw yourself a panty party! ;)

So, I have a new show that I really, really like...October Road. Good acting and good dialogue and so far, good plot. Granted, it's second episode ever is tonight, but so far so good!

I'm not trying to get all horoscopy on myself, but for some reason I think something outrageous is going to happen to me next week. I don't know what, and I don't how, why, etc, but I think it's coming. I'll let you know.

I wish I could perform surgery. I would love this. Except that I don't particularly care for blood, but I think I would definately love hospital life.

Alright, I want to go watch my shows, eat some cereal, love me some alone quiet time before my crazy weekend begins. Talk to you soon!!!!

Oh Wow

So, I have a new celebrity crush. Well, actually the character of one of my favorite shows. (Which I suppose only makes it more juvenile :). I think Bob (aka: Scott Foley) from 'The Unit' is such a hotty hott hot badass. He makes my stomach hurt. Bob is not typically my type, but there is just something about a man who can walk into any situation and either think or fight his way out of it. Oh so sexy. Plus he's got amazing eyes. Apparently I find men who have confidence, intelligence and muscle highly attractive. I would definately take on Unit life if it meant he was coming home to me. Yummy. It's nice to start narrowing down what I dig.

I had a really good dinner tonight. I know that may seem lame to most of you, but it was superb. You can catch the details on my health blog if you so desire.

I'm thinking of taking another job. Not sure if I'm out of my mind or not? What else is new.

So, so, so pretty outside. 76 degrees today and crystal clear. I truly love the seasons. How could you truly appreciate spring and summer if you didn't have winter?

I haven't had an alchoholic beverage in about a month. Well, not since Ireland. This is simply an observation. Nothing more.

Alright, well I'm done for now - but my brain is running quite well tonight so perhaps I'll write more. You never can tell.

Ciao friendsies.

WTF

Seriously, what in the f**k is going on?! I keep on going back to "how old am I?", but I think the older I get the less relavent it becomes. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need, and I don't know why I don't know! Why can't I stick with boundries? Why can't I get out of who I am? Why do I ask so many damn questions. Geez.

I want a leather coat. A really cute, retro one. It sucks that its almost too hot for one. Next year I suppose.

I think I really like facial hair. I'm not sure I could date someone who shaves. Or even worse, doesn't have any. I think its sexy as hell. Oh god, I hope this doesn't go back to some childhood crush on Santa. So be it if it is, merry freakin Christmas! :)

"the only thing worse then seeing fat calves is seeing no calves at all!"
--BG (there!)

So I had a conversation tonight with a good friend. I don't want to say much about it. I don't really want to think much about it. Not sure I have a choice.

I wish everything could be as simple as it was in college. Late night conversations at the truck stop, smoking at the lake, doing other things at the lake ;), being passionate about most everything, girlfriends, boyfriends, and a future that was all ahead of me. It was such an easy and beautiful time. Pizza and papers. I was really good at both of those. It's weird, the older I get the more complicated life becomes, and yet its all so simple. Damn it, I need a glass of wine.

I want someone to kiss me outside of my door. I want a kiss goodnight. A sweet one. A good one.

I must finish my marathon SITC. I must indulge my secret single behaviors. Fashion magazines, cereal and SITC. Guess it's not a secret anymore...although that's not ALL I'm doing. Must leave some mysteries.

Ciao my beautiful friends.

I don’t even know what I want to say. Don’t know if there are any words to describe what I think and how I feel. Its as if I am crying tears of flame. As if my insides are smoldering and sparking; perhaps comparable to a volcano. Or to hell.

I know I said last night that I was done thinking for awhile. I don’t know what it says about me to know that I cannot, or that God will not let me. The tear in my heart that I have been valiantly attempting to heal tore wide open today, and has left me gasping for air. So I obeyed what I felt compelled to do, and went to see 300 again.

The second time around was no less powerful than the first, perhaps more so. I sincerely wish I could articulate what it speaks to my soul. The desires it pumps into me, and leaves me wanting for so much more. The restlessness it prompts in me to fight and to win. The beauty that tears at my heart and bleeds for a story long over, and for my story that has yet to truly begin. It is vicious, the need and the passion that swamp me at every turn of the story. And it is striking, to walk away and plead with God Almighty that I to, may be given the chance to serve with such honor.

How I so desperately wish that I did not have the heart I possess! From the depths of who I am, I know not how to live this way! To be burning up from the inside out! To build walls of necessity around myself, and to be asked to sit and wait. I feel faint at the war within me.

Oh God, stay close and hold tight.

so what?

What a day. I am ALL done thinking about anything serious for the rest of the weekend, at least in regards to myself. No more thinking, analyzing, wondering, speculating, projecting, nada. I'm not doing it. I've had so many great conversations in the last couple of days, but good grief if I don't think it to death. First I talked to much, and now I think too much. Freaking annoying.

So I'm flipping through channels on this very early Sunday morning, and I just saw one of the Baldwin brothers booty. Well, then. Needless to say, I'm still flipping. :)

This may sound like a strange question, and NOT one I'm thinking about - just one that occured to me in light of a Baldwin ass...but I wonder what God intended for those people who don't get married till later to do about sex? Seriously. Are we supposed to literally suppress our sexuality and needs, perhaps indefinately? At least for many, many years? The conflict comes in knowing what scripture says, but having that been screwed up by how much culture has changed. Most obviously the marrying age. Anywho, just a thought and one I would welcome feedback on.

I need a new book.

I love fashion. I mean, I really really love it. I can't wait to wear it. I can't wait to be able to be who I am in my head. I want to wear heels, and pretty dresses, and great butt jeans. I want to wear red lipstick, dangly earrings, and my ultimate dream, the Cartier love bracelet. I want cute t-shirts, fun shorts and great purses. I want to look the way I feel. Soon my friends, very soon. :)

I truly enjoy peanut butter. Creamy, extra chunky, especially melted on toast.

Well, I am going to go change into my nightgown (it's not old fashioned!) and read me some Harry Potter. I shall get cozy and escape to Hogwarts.

Hope your day was stunning!

Random

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. So I preface this short entry by saying that I'm just about running on pure emotion at this point, and I'm very tired. I've been working A LOT, and am trying to balance out planning for next fall, and just waiting on God. There is a fine line between living by faith, and using the brain God gave you to solve situations. The one for me being that, once again, I need to figure out what to do w/ my job once school starts. Not worried, just puzzled. I honestly don't want to float the rest of my life from job to job, but again, how does that balance in living the will of God and just being plain irresponsible? I've always felt called to ministry, but now that this has been redefined, I know that everyday this is my calling. But what about vocationally? I am certain that I am not using the gifts God gave me, but on the flip side - could those just be shifting and changing? A lot of questions, I know - but I feel better when I verbalize them. Just to put them out there for others who think differently than me can truly aid me in figuring things out. Hard to talk about it w/ anyone here - they aren't exactly biased. :) I suppose we'll see.

On another note, I had a thought this morning while listening to a song. It says in scripture that God knew us before we were born. I wonder for how long? It never occurred to me that I could have had a relationship w/ God lloonngg before I thought I did. I wonder how long he's known me? Just shifts my perspective of our time line, and makes me love him more. After all, apparently we go way back. :)

Well, Ellie is sleeping, Eve is watching a show, and the others shall be here soon. I'm going to go take a moment and recharge myself.

May your day be quiet and full of love.

k

Morning Epiphany

So, I was on my way home from work this morning at ten of seven, listening to David Gray, and I had an epiphany. Not just your average, "light bulb moment", but one that shifted SO much into perspective and changes not just me, but a friendship that is very important to me. Permit me to clarify.

I realized that I have confused romantic love w/ codependency. Not co-dependent in a traditional psychological sense, but in that there is a dependency w/in the relationship that sometimes produces false intimacy and unhealthy boundaries;henceforth creating feelings and emotions that would otherwise (most likely) not exist. I still think some of it can be attributed to seasons of life, commitment, investment in time and experiences, and just basic affection and love. All of this can be interpreted in so many ways: brother/sister, best friends, Godly men/women roles, and potentially the evolution of misunderstood emotions. I'm not saying that things couldn't have gone there anyway, it's just the way humans are wired after all. But, I also think we have a tendency to ruin relationships/friendships by not recognizing what is truth, and consequently, failing to communicate so things just dissolve - leaving emotions unresolved, and brokenness where there could be joy.

I'm certainly not trying to psychoanalyze everything, but this is something I recognize I have struggled w/ for years - and now in that acknowledgement, can come behavior modifications that will mutually benefit myself AND the friendships which significantly matter to me.

I am truly excited by this. I can now see I was trading all the romantic things which really matter to me. Why on earth would I do that? My first real relationship was to the extreme of this, and most close guy friendships since then have either evolved into this to some degree. How 'light' it feels now to understand this, and thus protect myself accordingly.

Once again, no idea why this occurred, literally out of nowhere this morning, but I rejoice that it did. It will only make my friendship better, not a constant walking on eggshells for my heart. It simply puts everything right in place. And allows whomever wishes to ever pursue me, the luxury of doing so w/out ridiculous expectations and inappropriate relationships. Yay for me!!!

I hope this was illuminating w/out being too over the top. And now for the scripture which has seen me through thus far...
"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Love you! :)

Vomit

I'll potentially write something that matters later, but at this present moment I just have to write about my utter disdain for animals that pass gas and then YOU have to live in their rancid, heinous environment. I can't tell if anything else makes me want to vomit more than opening my mouth to BREATHE and some shiteous fume from a mutt's ass envelops me. If I ever have a dog, it will either have better manners, or a better diet. Or just a better damn dog in general. Later.

300

Just saw 300. If you know me at all, you know that I must write about the significance of my experience, and the emotions it evoked in me.

I’ll get the whole geek, cinematography deal out of the way first. Freaking outstanding. Greatness achieved in such a way that I am speechless by their vision and talent. Not only for the story they told, but how they told it. I have not seen such brilliance or power in film.

Now, onto what it exploded inside of me. It was bizarre. And attempting not to be remotely cliché here, but it gave me such a lucid perspective it was as if my sight switched from old black and white snow to high definition big screen. It simply made everything clear.

I want to be the Queen of Sparta when I grow up. I want to be beautiful, be married to a warrior King, and then raise my children to follow in their father’s footsteps. I want to live for a cause, and be passionate enough to kill for my family and my purpose. I want to be filled up with action and love and desire. I want to be scandalous, convicting, fierce and brave. I want to stand beside my man and believe in both his life and his death. I want to be his last thought and his greatest love. How could one possibly settle for less? How could I?

I’m not even sure I could ever fully explain the way this made me feel. It could take days, months, years, a lifetime. I pray it takes a lifetime.

On a significantly different note, I received a package from my friends in Ireland today. It was a taste of a memory, a yearning to go and be and do. A lifetime of purpose.

I wish I could go on. I wish I could verbalize it all, but since I cannot - I pray to live what I feel, what I know, and I what I see.

I pray the same for you.

What the hell?

You're going to have to try and stick this one out with me seeing as how my mind is ping ponging all over the place. The possibility of any kind of logical progression is not likely. I guess you can see how well you know me by being able to follow. :)

So I ended up having some friends over tonight to watch Borat. It's my third time. I'm not real sure what that says about me except perhaps I often prefer the company of guys over gals. Not in a 'ho' kind of way, but in they're mostly more easy to get along with and a different kind of fun. Plus, they stay awake. Anyway, it made me realize that the life I had is far more entertaining and meaningful than the one I have (friends and conversation wise), and that the life I want seems a tad out of reach. Is it really too much to ask to have stories to tell, intelligent conversations, more laughter than boredom, and authenticity? Now don't get me wrong, I have great friends here whom I love very much, (some of which I had a good time with tonight), but just perhaps it truly is the culture I don't belong in. I don't know. I feel like I belong but I don't fit in.

Time. Time and computers pretty much do their own thing. Much like the fact that my words are now in bold, and it won't turn off. Same thing with time. It does it's own deal, and you have so little control over what it does. Time and computers, what a bitch.

I wish I had a dime for everytime I thought of something that I did not say outloud. I would be one rich chica. Especially as of late, when my thoughts are many and my words are few. Not that I'm a mute, mind you, just literally don't have as much to say. It's as if all the words that come to mind kind of evaporate before they're actually spoken. Weird, I know, but not all together unfortunate. It's taught me to pay more attention. It's also taught me not to compensate for other people's tendencies to speak less and pause more. A good friend taught me that, go for the 'pause'...it allows for so much more than you.

I really hate that all of this is in bold. I bet when I post it, it will be normal. That would figure.

Well, I got my wish early. Today it actually hit 70 degrees. I think here in central Indiana you appreciate spring more, because it's so wonderfully surprising and the enjoyment factor is immense. To walk outside today (and the rest of the week) is like seeing land for the first time after a long sea journey. Not that I'd really know, but I can imagine. Needless to say, it was difficult not to smile.

I think it's strange how when you see someone who is dead, that you can so truly see how they are no longer really there. That it's truly just their shell. Kind of gave me a jolt to realize how shallow we all are sometimes. Putting a lot of stock into something that matters so little that it becomes dust long after we're rocking it out in heaven. Definately challenged my perspective, and made me long to really see people instead of being so horribly preoccupied with the rest.

I hate working out. Have I mentioned that before? Well, I hate it. Love the way it makes me feel after, but the getting there blows. Proud to say that my bad attitude hasn't stopped me, but I had to declare my distaste.

I'm getting wordy now and I'm annoying myself even though I'm not talking. That's a good indicator that I should stop. So saying...

One last thing. Missed you tonight. Not the wishes, but the reality of what was. Just miss my friend.

Peace.

The Sea...

I know I'm standing on the edge of something, because everything in my life seems to be changing. I don't even know if it's for the better, but the change is happening nonetheless. Disappointments, confusion, true lack of anyone to lean on, and really feeling alone. Not necessarily alone in a bad sense, just a literal lack of people. In some ways I feel like crying, and in others, I feel winter ending and I know I just have to run forward into what is next. Damn if it doesn't suck in the meantime though.

However, throughout everything I feel God w/ me like I feel the clothes on my body. A constant presence. (I don't live alone, nudity is not really an option). It's different, in a way that is difficult to explain but feels vital that I try. I see things now. I see a world full of the poor, broken, needy people and me doing nothing to help. I'm confused, why don't I take care of people's needs? "He that loves not, knows not God for God is love". I want to truly love people. No agenda, no expectations, just love them. How easy it really is to find a definition of church and community when we love each other and then in turn equally love those around us. I desire love to be the gravity in which I am drawn to people and they are drawn to God.

I cannot wait for next week and 60 degree weather. Makes me want to go to Turkey Run and do some serious exploring. Wow, memories come crashing down at the weirdest times. Whew, they are suffocating and beautiful. And powerful. Anyway, looking forward to a new season and some new weather.

A thought to leave you with...

If you want to build a ship
don't herd people together to collect wood
and don't assign them tasks and work,
but rather teach them to long for the
endless immensity of the sea.

Antoine-Marie-Roger de Saint-Exupery

Babies and Puppies

Greetings.

I would like to unpack a word that I used in my post (God and Elliptical machines). I've been having some constant and true encounters w/ God ever since that moment, been spending a serious amount of time in prayer, and been meditating on the word 'gentle'. That is an adjective that I've never thought of or have used in regards to myself. Now I can be gentle, such as w/ a baby or puppy, but not as a characteristic reflecting my nature. It keeps coming to my mind in such a way, that I began to study it in earnest, and here is what I've found so far.

Ironically enough, it is used in my favorite 'girl' verse in the Bible. 1 Peter 3:4-5a "Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful." This is a preface from Peter he used in speaking of the way women should be with their husbands. I'm not sure exactly how that particular part refers to me, w/ the possible exception of preparation, but it is the first part of the scripture that I want to focus on.

A "gentle and quiet spirit". Lately when I've been spending time w/ God - through prayer, scripture, music, worship, I have (which I believe I mentioned before) felt warm, soft and gentle. And yes, quiet. It's one of those invaluable lessons I learned in Ireland - to just rest and be quiet. I crave it now. I long to be gentle. I pray for it often, and I know that as God is shaping my spirit for His purpose, I am truly being likened to His image.

On a vastly different note, has anybody wondered yet why the most watched show in this crazy country is called "American Idol"? Does the word 'idol' strike anybody else as something we should potentially resist? Perhaps all idols are as addictive as the show. Perhaps that proves my point.

Well, that’s enough of my thoughts tonight. I’ve gotten in the habit of not talking as much, perhaps I should continue on so as not to say too much. Yes, it is definitely a new era. :)

I’ll leave you with this…
“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.”

K<><

Eve

I just had to put up some pictures of my Evie this morning! She actually sat still long enough for me to braid her hair, or as she says "Pitty!". She is very proud of it, which means it will probably be pulled out by lunch since she keeps touching it, but who cares. :) That's the whole point of being a little girl!

God and Elliptical Machines

Ok. Weird encounter today. Allow me to preface things a bit. I had kind of a hard day, not a bad one necessarily, but a hard day. A little sidenote, I was fairly encouraged by the fact that I've lost 12 lbs so far, (for those of you who follow my health blog you can get the whole scoop), anyway - so I knew that I absolutely had to work out today. I wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to go home, order a pizza, watch Idol and zone out. But thank God I didn't. Here's my story. Plus I can't have pizza anyway.

I went to Ann's to use their Elliptical machine (it's my favorite) and I was just in the worst frame of mind. Encouraged by my weightloss so far, but mentally just not grooving. So I did something I've never done before - I put on Crowder to work out. I'm really bad about listening to hard core crazy stuff to get my adrenaline going when exercising, but today I was prompted elsewhere. The next part is intensely personal, so I'll skip to what I really wanted to share. There I was, running away on this machine, with my eyes closed - having a very intense worship time with God. And the craziest thing happened! For the first time ever, it wasn't like I was talking "up" (if that makes any sense), I was just being held and talking to his face. Stick with me here, but as I was worshipping I was touching God's face, and burying my head in his neck. It was the safest and most beautiful experience I've ever had. There on Ann's Elliptical machine no less. How I managed all that AND still kept my balance is beyond me, but even now it makes me feel warm and soft. Gentle. These last couple of days have really shown me how strong and safe God's arms are, and how often he holds me when I let him.

A dear friend's father passed away last night. As prepared as we think we are, it's never enough. I pray her and her family peace and rest tonight.

Alright, well now that I wrote out my experience from this afternoon, I am needing to go and spend some time in the Word. It's just for me, don't ya know? :)

"I thank my God everytime I think of you..."

k

So much

So, I was on my fourth episode of 'Charmed' during a TNT mini-marathon (yes, I'm in my personal hell, new job); anyway, and a line was spoken that actually had some merit. This father asked this man (who was "in love" with his daughter) if he knew what Love was? The guy said yes, so then the father asked if he had ever had his heart broken, the guy said no. The father then said, then you do not know what Love is.

I had to agree.

I went to church yesterday w/ Doug up at Purdue, and I must say - it was worth the drive. It was a rush of fresh air that was powerful, intentional and had me walking away wanting more. I will certainly go back. After all, this is the season for preparation. I also had some really good conversations with Doug about life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Well, I'm working my way through Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (my future husband). I had forgotten what a true joy it is read his work. We mostly think alike (form, not content) - so consequently I enjoy the familiarity of my own brain, coupled w/ his mirror-like ability to convey truth. The one thing I've really learned so far is how much I truly do not know. That definately mirrors my life at the moment. Definately.

And speaking of, obedience is a word I've never really thought about. It's all that's been on my mind as of late. Obedience to God is fantastic in theory, and quite contrary in actuality.

Peace.

Lady in the Water

Watched an interesting movie last night. Which is really a ridiculous understatement, but I feel kinda bad saying it was freaking weird. Oh well, said it anyway. It was this piece of metafiction that on one hand was severely profound, but on the other just strange. It explored the concept of "purpose" for one's life, and how we're all interconnected w/in our purposes. Especially those who are called to team ministry, which in my personal opinion we all are - just depends on who lives out their purpose and who chooses to be distracted. You see, when you live out what God has called you to, it usually demands all sorts of things: persecution, faith, no money, no things, no security, death, basically all we've got is Him and each other. Are stories like Abraham, Joseph, Hosea, the disciples, Paul, Stephen, Timothy relevant in today's 2007 society? Are they merely examples of stories we should admire, but not live out? Have our homes made us afraid or lazy? Do we justify how we live our lives by claiming culture? To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure - but I certainly want to know. What makes us think just because we have a family that we're not STILL called to these things? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but dear God, maybe it's not a manner of developing a new "community", but of simply living out the one's we have according to GOD'S purpose. I would rather a thousand times over to raise my children w/ nothing, but making sure I get them to soccer practice on time. That's crap. If we are to raise warriors, then must we not train them ourselves? And if we are not warriors, then how are we to live by example? The time is not coming, the time is now.

I believe in preparation. I believe this is a season of such. For my community at least. I wonder when all of this smoke blows over, who will be there and who won't? I wonder who will go and who will stay? I CHOOSE NOT TO BE AFRAID, BUT TO LISTEN WITH ALL MY STRENGTH AND RUN AFTER THE ONE WHO LOVES ME. Oh, please God, I earnestly seek you and ask you to call us to what you want, and quickly. Preparation can only go so far before we're just flat wasting time. People need you, send me. I was made to praise you and love you. May my life bring you glory.

Change our hearts O, Lord. Bring us together. Speak and rescue. Search and deliver.

My prayers are with you all today. Let conversations abound and scripture flow between us.
I truly love you with my whole heart.

K