I don't know what's happening

Even for those of you who know my 'code', this might be a doozy even for you. I really need to write this out, but to be perfectly honest - there is so much of this I do not want as public knowledge. Let the vague ramblings begin.

Are butterflies in your tummy necessary for a relationship, or can one make something work just by commitment and love? Do we, as humans, need the tingling of chemistry? My gut reaction has always been no. I'm a big fan of love the one your with, do the right thing, put the other persons needs above your own, etc. However, is all of that necessary AND butterflies? Do we has western culture make up the whole "in love" concept, or is that truly something innate within us that God has designed to make marriage special? So many places in the world have arranged marriages. They're nailing it for the most part. Can the butterflies and the sparks come with commitment, or is it truly chemically based in who we're attracted to? I don't know, but I fear I am finding out.

Paris Hilton is on Larry King Live tonight. What?

I made some kickass shrimp scampi tonight with ceasar salad. I've never made it before, but I tell you what - I will definately be making it again. Not that any of you particularly care about such things, but let it be done let it be written!

Alright, I'm wiped. Please feel free to comment on my confusion - or email me. All thoughts wanted and welcomed.

I dig you all!

k

Really?

So, first things first. I am pissed that it is now going on 8 days where I have not really slept. I can't. It's after midnight and I'm freaking wide awake. It's horrendous. I love to sleep. Love it. And now I can't. Men are going to be the death of me yet.

I was going to blog tonight about my absurd but clearly questionable thoughts on a sermon I heard yesterday, one I heard today - as well as my own inquiries into some 'words' that I want a more clear definition of. It will simply have to wait one more day. My brain is much to scattered for such logical thinking right now.

I 'met' someone today. And since I am in no mood for men, or any sort of relationship I am being horribly honest and kind of randomly bitchy. The kooky thing is, he actually likes it. I just can't win.

Alright, well I could go on and on, but I will save us both the agony. BUENOS NOCHES SUCKAS!!!

lost & found

I'm feeling a bit lost right now. I'm also feeling a bit found. Quite the dichotomy. I'm quite certain that I have created a new emotion. I can't quite define it yet, but it's evolving nonetheless. I'm devastated, and equal parts growing. I'm learning, but also crying. I'm becoming completely dependant on God in ways I never even imagined, but I had to lose so much to do so. I'm totally afraid of what is coming, but I'm also resting, knowing I'm being obedient. As I said, a dichotomy, an incredibly painful one, but some way or the other I will come out on the other side of this a better woman and a better friend. Whatever that means.

I don't have a whole lot else to report or to talk about. I'm pretty tunnel-visioned at the moment. However, I paid off my credit card bill in full and am kicking ass and taking names in regards to my finances. I am SO well on my way to full financial freedom. Truly exciting.

I guess on a different note - something you guys can pray about for me is that I have a job interview next Tuesday (June 26th) at 3:30pm. I'm also hoping to hear back from an opportunity in Colorado. If it doesn't work out in either of those places I'm back to square one. I'm not really afraid of that, just know there's a deadline. All I want is to be where I belong. I really just want to belong.

Alright, I will open up a conversation on my church experience last night next time around. I'm just kind of done talking for now.

peace and comfort
k

Decisions

It's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time. Time being both the friend and the enemy, I suppose. I really am speechless at the decisions we have to sometimes make. Decisions that could possibly haunt us the rest of our lives. Decisions that could hurt, and some that could heal - but it doesn't make the choices any easier. Fight or flight? I still don't remember what class I was taught that in school, but I've always remembered the phrase. I fear I have to make the same decision. The decision to fight for something, or to leave. Nothing could possibly hurt more.

In my quest, I have searched the Bible with a fine tooth comb. I have only come up with words I do not want to hear. Why does the decision that I feel God is saying to be have to be the most painful? Damn it! Again and again and again I repeat the circumstances of my life. I'm still inclined to make the same decisions that I made earlier, and expect different results. Why is that?!? I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. I'm not sure I can. I am weary to the bone, and still I cry. God, please help me. Take me. Blind me to my ways, and open my eyes to yours.

My Stomach Hurts

I am sitting here on my couch with my tummy just aching! Not in illness, not because I've eaten too much, but because of what the Lord is doing. I simply can't get over it, nor do I ever want to. He is just kicking my butt right and left, up and down for that matter - to the point where I can't even begin to keep up. This is the One we have waited for...

I heard a sermon this morning that was written just for my ridiculously guarded heart. It was about Naomi, and went through her journey of emptiness. What happens when God works in a way you don't want him to? Have you ever had a famine in your life? A period of time where there is just nothing for you spiritually. You are dying of starvation, and are so thirsty for just a drop of feeling from Him. What if He took it all? What if even the presence of God felt absence and you were totally alone?

My life has felt like so many wasted years of wandering around in a self-made desert. I have been broken, dried up, empty and wondering what I have done to make Him forget me? But God, in all of His infinite mercy revealed Himself exactly as he chose to do. It's like I've had all of these little IVs in me all the time, and I did not recognize they were nourishing my soul all along. Down every labored, petulant, painful step, He wasn't carrying me like the poem suggests, He was down on His knees paving the way. He knew I could walk, I just didn't know I could.

I feel resurrected in multiple ways, but most importantly, within my soul. To be perfectly honest, I was not even sure I had one. I know that sounds mildly ludicrous, but it's true. I haven't felt anything but disappointment in longer than I can remember, to the point I was more than numb - I was in freaking spiritual hibernation. But I'm waking up now. In every possible way. This is the one I have waited for...

The refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return your
wasted years
This is our God
So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness and comfort
in our sadness
This is our God

So call upon his name
He is mighty to save
This Is Our God

This is the one we have waited for
Jesus, Lord and Savior
This is our God

A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God
So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

Confused Exhileration

So, many of you might know that I am job hunting, once again. Hopefully for the last time - at least for awhile. It is extremely exciting. I'm having amazing conversations, concerning great ministries, with pretty fantastic people. I realize I'm using a lot of adjectives, but bear w/ me. :) The confusion part comes with understanding myself more and more, and knowing that perhaps one specific thing is not all that I'm called to. I hesitate to use the word 'calling' in general. I am called to love God, to glorify him, and to serve him. I'm not sure the 'where' is as essential in this case. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. So I think I'm just going to rest in the assurance of knowing that I'm doing what I'm 'called' to do, and everything else is just geography.

Been doing some home improvement projects this week to aid in my 'lack of control' - and to be quite honest, I'm having a great time. I get totally geeked about going to Lowes and attempting projects that seem to be beyond my scope. This weekend I"m installing new floors in our kitchen. We'll see! :)

I'm excited to go to AZ again in a couple of weeks. So far it's been a relaxed, good time - and I suspect this time will be no different. I just have to not eat so stinkin much this time around.

Going to be hanging with some really good friends of mine tonight. Only sheer chaos will ensue.

Alright, got to go take care of the kiddos. Peace, love and churros to you all!

I thought it was over

Having a bad night, so I thought I would blog. This is going to be very cryptic and vague for most of you, so really, just move on I guess.

I hate how when you think you've moved on from something horrible that happened, it's really just an illusion. I rarely feel anything. It's like nothing happened at all. But on nights like this, I'm just scared. Five days this time. Five days. Will a month go by when I won't wonder - even if it's totally illogical? I won't do anything until tomorrow. I told myself that. I tell myself a lot of things.

Such a helpless feeling.

Continuously

I am continuously blessed by how God is moving in my life and taking me different places through entirely different means than he ever has before. Meeting my needs before it even processes that they are needs. Quieting me before I even open my mouth to question or ask. Revealing, opening, beginning, closing. Nothing is ever the same. And I'm not sure I'd ever want it to be.

The Most Beautiful Place of All...

The last couple of weeks, months really, I feel like I have been completely blinded. I very much hesitate to compare myself to Saul on his way to Damascus, but in some ways - many ways - thats exactly how I feel. I have walked in my own way for so long, that finally God has blinded me to get my attention. Instead of recognizing this for what it was, I have spent much time believing God was ignoring me. I am embarrassed and deeply ashamed by this, but humble and grateful enough to tell my story anyway. I never wanted to tell a story of selfishness, arrogance, apathy and avoidance. I never wanted to be used as a negative example, an illustration of how not to have a relationship with God. Here I stand, however, in all of my humiliation, a testament to God's restorative love.

I had forgotten the wonders of His word, of his actions. How Moses actually parted the Red Sea and walked on DRY ground. How Daniel slept with lions, and how Jonah really lived in the belly of a whale. And Peter actually walked on water w/ Jesus. The utter breathtaking spectacular of the creation he made for us. The hugeness of the Grand Canyon. The ferocity of a strong wind, or the tenderness of a breeze. The complexity of the human body, and the mosaic colors that are a sunset. Mountains or cornfields. Deserts or oceans. Laughter or tears.

I've needed him so much to give me answers and to guide my paths - to move me unto heights unimaginable. And all he needed from me was for me to love him first. He wasn't ignoring me, hadn't forgotten me - he was just waiting. Like the prodigal daughter, or a cheating lover - he has waited for me to just come home.

Home, the most beautiful place of all.

And the wonder of it all...

I'm not exactly sure where to start. So I'll start with this past weekend. Went to AZ to visit mi amigo, Mitchell. I'll perhaps blog the details later, but the bottomline is that I had a great time, ate some great food (too much so), met some great people, had some great conversations, saw some great places, and all with great company. It was a pretty great trip (in case I wasn't being overly subtle). So much so, that I really and truly did not want to come home. Multiple reasons for sure, but mostly it was because I felt I was finally catching a breath out there. I've missed breathing. Mitch and I had multiple challenging conversations which led to a true 'moment', I experienced on the plane ride home.

I don't want to dive in too much, mainly because it's personal - but I'll fill you in as much as I can. End result is that I realized I don't have to 'do' anything for God. Just love him. I need to spend time with him, I need to communicate, I need to treat him and love him based on the vitality of our relationship, and not on my childish whims and just being a basic brat. It did leave me, however, with a desire to surrender this next phase of my life and just let God do his thing.

That has led me to today. Today I have a job interview. My first one in quite a long time. I realized in AZ that at this stage of my life, I am not remotely interested in 'working' at a church right now, but it did help me to realize that I desperately want to be a part of one. However, I am still not in a position in which God is releasing me from my current circumstances. Next March is the perceivable end. Until then, I will remain faithful to what he has called me to this past year and into the next, I will just love him, and I will continue to invest in the people who are important to me.

It is so vital that we see God in everything, regardless of place, regardless of circumstance. With different eyes, perhaps it will all change. Perhaps we will.

All my love.