So here I go...

Brief update, I will write more on my feelings and such from my (hopeful intentions) 'trip journal'. But regardless, here's the down low.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I had a conversation with Paul Steiner about my current job/ministry situation. Long story short, I leave Thursday to move to Flagstaff, AZ. 18 days, start to finish. :) When God moves, he certainly does not waste any time. Sold all of my stuff at a yard sale last weekend, and am busy packing up my little car to head out west. Spending the next few days hanging with friends and family - so if you want to hang or talk - give me a buzz! My phone number will be staying the same indefinitely, so there you go.

Please pray for the next leg of my journey. Hopefully we'll speak soon.

Peace and giggles.
k

Who the hell knew?

So, I've taken my stalker tendencies to a whole new level. I did a search on myspace for an ex of mine, and it took me down college memory lane in a big way. I found tons of people, that quite frankly, I hadn't thought of in a lloonngg time. I've looked at many pictures, caught up on many lives, and although I realize we all present only what we want others to see - it made me feel stupid about my own. Nothing like feeling inadequate against people you haven't seen in eight years. Thats rationale.

In case you can't tell, I'm feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment. Pathetic. I know. I'm not very good at waiting and trusting. In that order. I am horribly excited on one hand on what is coming and where I'll be serving, but I'm also horribly afraid that absolutely nothing will change and I'll be stuck in the same old place. Waiting and trusting. Yep, I suck.

Since I'm on a whining roll, I might as well see it all the way through. I AM SICK AND EFFING TIRED OF BEING FORGOTTEN. There. I love being called only as an after thought, when someone is bored, or when someone needs something. Thats bullshit folks.

Well, I should probably sign off before I REALLY get going and piss people off. Ciao.

What do you do when everything you know and everything you feel are at war?

In Your freedom I will live

Get ready, friends. I know I just wrote yesterday, but this is all pouring out of me.

I feel like I am burning up. Feverish. I ache with understanding, and I am already weary from fighting. But I've also never felt more as if my path was finally revealed. Understanding that fear, sadness and living are not the same thing - putting one foot in front of the other and moving is so much harder than I ever knew or realized. The whole Proverbs 3:4-5 thing. I do not recall a time in my life when I did not know that verse, that I did not have it committed to memory. Funny that it took me this long to actually know it.

If you have not yet checked out Hillsong's "In Your Freedom". Go immediately to their myspace and listen. Its fun how God gives you little pieces of himself when you least expect it.

This ache in my heart is a physical pain of monstrous proportions. I suppose Switchfoot may have had it right all along, "dare you to move"...

Open My Eyes

Why do we raise our hands in worship? Or more accurately why do I raise my hands in worship - and almost only when I'm alone? I'm not embarrassed to do so publicly, it just seems too intimate most of the time for me to do in the presence of others. Either way, it boils down to the why at the moment. It never occured to me to ask, but I feel tonight as if it is because I am reaching. Trying to touch and be touched. Even just my fingertips. A physical whisper. A declaration of more than praise, but of redemption. Oh how I long to be closer, so much closer.

I was reminded of a scripture this weekend that I really want to share. It changed me, as completely as if I had changed into a different color. Lamentations 3...

54 the waters closed over my head,
and I thought I was about to be cut off.

55 I called on your name, O LORD,
from the depths of the pit.

56 You heard my plea: "Do not close your ears
to my cry for relief."

57 You came near when I called you,
and you said, "Do not fear."

58 O Lord, you took up my case;
you redeemed my life.

Everything lately has just brought me to my knees. Always my circumstances. Not the lost or broken. Not the poor or the hopeless. Me. My sight was limited to the grand realm of nothing but me.

I am so ashamed. But I am not going to dwell on that. He took up my case and He redeemed my life. I will no longer repay that mercy by seeing only me. I will no longer talk myself seven ways from Sunday, but instead live as I am loved. Fully, deeply, and without fear.

Fear. It has kept me in its grip far more than any other, for as long as I can remember. Fear of disappointing. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Fear of unrealized dreams. Fear of a future without life. Ironically enough, it is this fear that has prevented me from truly living until now. I hate that I have wasted so much time, but it is in my repentence that God will return my wasted years. It is through the surrender of my eyes that God is giving me sight. I can't sit here and claim I am truly fearless and all is well. This journey for me is just beginning. Baby steps that are both beautiful and frustrating at the same time. But soon I will be running. Relentlessly pursuing the God who conquered me.

VOMIT. I need a new hair style and color. I need to go shopping. Maybe even a new tattoo. Back to my old tricks I suppose. VOMIT. :/