Seems to end up...

So, I'm very sorry to all of you who read this AND my Arizona blog and are faced with the dichotomy of who I really am. This has kind of become my crazy emotions blog, whereas the other is much more guarded due to who has access to it. Regardless, I apologize for being who I am sometimes.

Tonight I am feeling really lame. I want to grab my bag from the closet and just keep going. And to be as honest as you possibly can when there is no one on the other end of your conversation, I wish there was a road that you could drive to heaven - because I would surely be on it. SO tired of trying to live. Nobody freak out, I'm not aggressively suicidal, but my desire to just go 'home' is one I feel deeply and desire above all others. It sucks because I feel very fortunate to be where I am, experiencing new things and living new adventures - but on the flip side, all these changes make me want to desperately crawl in my turtle shell and just let life rush on by. Loneliness is an emotion I have felt before, but the older I get the more intense it becomes. I flat need to be touched and to know I'm loved. I would give it all up tonight for Jesus to put some skin on and come be with me. Its all so overwhelming sometimes - doing this journey alone - that I just want to give up in despair.

BUT, I can't and I won't. This to shall pass.

Stay

Its funny how friendships shape and change and alter. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance and sometimes when you least expect it. And sometimes it moves you on. Moves you on to a place you never expected, never anticipated and kind of hate all at the same time. Life lessons. Blessing and a curse I suppose.

I have been cooking like a crazy person. All these changes going on in my head and my heart - make me want to cook. At least I'm getting less and less destructive and sinful with my control needs - at least now its over a stove opposed to men, tattoos, dying my hair, or a whole host of other interesting (and oftentimes pathetic) attempts. Cooking and driving. My vices for now.

Gotta run. Tired of sharing. Tired of feeling. I want to embrace the GOOD things God is doing in my life, not the things that just plain hurt. "there is no fear in love..."