Born

Read a profound quote last night from J.R.R. Tolkien (which of course I'm having tattooed on me somewhere). It said "Not all who wander are lost".

I've been faced with some serious changes lately that have forced me to reckon with this quote and evaluate if I am indeed lost, or simply prone to wander? Is this the place I am to settle, to face God head on? Is settling down the equivalent of giving some things up or embracing others? So much of me deeply longs and yearns for the next adventure. To see new things, cherish new experiences and marinate my soul in the beauty of 'moving on'. The other part of me is at least attempting to contemplate the possibility that maybe it is time to stay in one place, not just in actuality, but in spirit as well. Although my body was in Indy for five years, my heart and my mind were constantly on where I was going next - it just evolved as trips opposed to relocating. Now I fear my time is coming where the decisions I make are actually going to be forming deep rooted paths, not just whimsical day dreams.

Part of me is so desperately tired of goodbyes, that I could just weep from the burden of them all. The rest of me simply cannot rest. Simply cannot fathom indefinite periods of time in one place, committed to one group of people. Why can't I just roam the earth like Cain? Granted, he was cursed - but aren't I as well?

I am a complicated, crazy girl - but some aspects are oh so ordinary. Do I belong anywhere? Or maybe the more important question is do I really belong here? Its time to figure that out. Its time I took the bull by the horns, or more accurately, look God in the eye and actually have the very conversation I've been avoiding all my true adult life. 'Knowing is half the battle' and all that, but ignorance is bliss. Decisions, decisions.

I suppose the difference this time around is my absolute pursuit of truth. Now if I could just grow a bigger pair of balls, I might just go for it. Bull. God. Truth. Valiant. Scandalous. Vulnerable. Fierce.

"Not all who wander are lost".

Seems to end up...

So, I'm very sorry to all of you who read this AND my Arizona blog and are faced with the dichotomy of who I really am. This has kind of become my crazy emotions blog, whereas the other is much more guarded due to who has access to it. Regardless, I apologize for being who I am sometimes.

Tonight I am feeling really lame. I want to grab my bag from the closet and just keep going. And to be as honest as you possibly can when there is no one on the other end of your conversation, I wish there was a road that you could drive to heaven - because I would surely be on it. SO tired of trying to live. Nobody freak out, I'm not aggressively suicidal, but my desire to just go 'home' is one I feel deeply and desire above all others. It sucks because I feel very fortunate to be where I am, experiencing new things and living new adventures - but on the flip side, all these changes make me want to desperately crawl in my turtle shell and just let life rush on by. Loneliness is an emotion I have felt before, but the older I get the more intense it becomes. I flat need to be touched and to know I'm loved. I would give it all up tonight for Jesus to put some skin on and come be with me. Its all so overwhelming sometimes - doing this journey alone - that I just want to give up in despair.

BUT, I can't and I won't. This to shall pass.

Stay

Its funny how friendships shape and change and alter. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance and sometimes when you least expect it. And sometimes it moves you on. Moves you on to a place you never expected, never anticipated and kind of hate all at the same time. Life lessons. Blessing and a curse I suppose.

I have been cooking like a crazy person. All these changes going on in my head and my heart - make me want to cook. At least I'm getting less and less destructive and sinful with my control needs - at least now its over a stove opposed to men, tattoos, dying my hair, or a whole host of other interesting (and oftentimes pathetic) attempts. Cooking and driving. My vices for now.

Gotta run. Tired of sharing. Tired of feeling. I want to embrace the GOOD things God is doing in my life, not the things that just plain hurt. "there is no fear in love..."

So here I go...

Brief update, I will write more on my feelings and such from my (hopeful intentions) 'trip journal'. But regardless, here's the down low.

Two weeks ago tomorrow, I had a conversation with Paul Steiner about my current job/ministry situation. Long story short, I leave Thursday to move to Flagstaff, AZ. 18 days, start to finish. :) When God moves, he certainly does not waste any time. Sold all of my stuff at a yard sale last weekend, and am busy packing up my little car to head out west. Spending the next few days hanging with friends and family - so if you want to hang or talk - give me a buzz! My phone number will be staying the same indefinitely, so there you go.

Please pray for the next leg of my journey. Hopefully we'll speak soon.

Peace and giggles.
k

Who the hell knew?

So, I've taken my stalker tendencies to a whole new level. I did a search on myspace for an ex of mine, and it took me down college memory lane in a big way. I found tons of people, that quite frankly, I hadn't thought of in a lloonngg time. I've looked at many pictures, caught up on many lives, and although I realize we all present only what we want others to see - it made me feel stupid about my own. Nothing like feeling inadequate against people you haven't seen in eight years. Thats rationale.

In case you can't tell, I'm feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment. Pathetic. I know. I'm not very good at waiting and trusting. In that order. I am horribly excited on one hand on what is coming and where I'll be serving, but I'm also horribly afraid that absolutely nothing will change and I'll be stuck in the same old place. Waiting and trusting. Yep, I suck.

Since I'm on a whining roll, I might as well see it all the way through. I AM SICK AND EFFING TIRED OF BEING FORGOTTEN. There. I love being called only as an after thought, when someone is bored, or when someone needs something. Thats bullshit folks.

Well, I should probably sign off before I REALLY get going and piss people off. Ciao.

What do you do when everything you know and everything you feel are at war?

In Your freedom I will live

Get ready, friends. I know I just wrote yesterday, but this is all pouring out of me.

I feel like I am burning up. Feverish. I ache with understanding, and I am already weary from fighting. But I've also never felt more as if my path was finally revealed. Understanding that fear, sadness and living are not the same thing - putting one foot in front of the other and moving is so much harder than I ever knew or realized. The whole Proverbs 3:4-5 thing. I do not recall a time in my life when I did not know that verse, that I did not have it committed to memory. Funny that it took me this long to actually know it.

If you have not yet checked out Hillsong's "In Your Freedom". Go immediately to their myspace and listen. Its fun how God gives you little pieces of himself when you least expect it.

This ache in my heart is a physical pain of monstrous proportions. I suppose Switchfoot may have had it right all along, "dare you to move"...